I Offer My Coaching Services to the Los Angeles Lakers

I wrote the following letter, dated June 10, 2024, to Jeanie Buss and Rob Pelinka, owner and general manager, respectively, of the Los Angeles Lakers basketball franchise.

Dear Ms. Buss and Mr. Pelinka:

I ask you to give serious consideration to my candidacy as the Lakers’ next head coach. Read on and you will see why I am a perfect “fit” for this job.

To begin with, I think your decision to fire Darvin Ham after the team was eliminated by the Denver Nuggets in the first round of the 2024 NBA playoffs was a wise one. The Lakers were going nowhere. Since Ham has been baked, broiled and fried to a crisp, the obvious question is—who will replace him? I hear that you are looking at either J.J. Redick or Dan Hurley, and far be it from me to criticize them. But, all modesty aside, I think I am the man who can take the purple and gold back to the top. Trust me, I will deliver another Larry O’Brien Trophy to you and other hoops-loving Angelenos.

My credentials are strong, beginning with all those one-on-one games I played with my brother in the backyard of our house in Dallas in the mid- and late 1960s. As a starting guard for the Hexter Elementary School Hawks, I once scored 16 points in a game. Sorry if I boast. I was also a member of the Bryan Adams High School team that won the all-sophomore city championship in 1969, even though coach Larry Covin kept me glued to the bench most of the time. Undeterred by that, I played a lot of pickup games in Austin, Texas (I am a UT grad); Lexington, Kentucky; and Durham, North Carolina.

I have basketball “shizzle.” Maybe it came from attending dozens of games between the hometown Dallas Chaparrals (I give you Ron Boone) and other ABA teams, such as the Kentucky Colonels (Dan Issel), the New Orleans Buccaneers (Jimmy Jones), the Pittsburgh Pipers (Connie Hawkins), the Washington Caps (Rick Barry), the Miami Floridians (Warren Armstrong), the Indiana Pacers (Mel Daniels), the Denver Rockets (Spencer Haywood) and the New York Nets (Julius Erving), among others. Hey, don’t turn up your nose at the ABA.

My actual coaching experience is, I admit, rather limited. In the 1978 YMCA season in Farmers Branch, Texas, I took the 7th-grade Green Hornets to the league championship game, although we lost. Not bad, huh?

I have a clear vision of what I will do if you hire me. It starts with the demographics of the team, which is typically and boringly monocultural. I will be sure the Lakers have at least one Samoan on the roster at all times, along with a Jew, a Mexican, an Eskimo, a Korean and a guy from the Balkans—please note the recent showings of Nikola Jokić and Luka Dončić; Pete Maravich (of Serbian descent) also played rather well.

In addition, I will inform my players that traveling, palming and carrying the ball is against both the rules and the spirit of the game, notwithstanding the reluctance of NBA refs to blow the whistle for even the most blatant cases of it. The fans will undoubtedly appreciate this aspect of the Lakers’ game in the Pennington era. We will run, we will play tough defense, and we will make our free throws, but we won’t be jacking up 3-pointers willy-nilly as some NBA teams do. You probably know that the Houston Rockets shot the three-ball 70 times in a game against the Brooklyn Nets five years ago. Seventy! I do not know what in the name of Dr. James Naismith they were thinking, but that will not happen if I am the Lakers’ coach.

I am handsome (with an uncanny resemblance to Pat Riley), I have a closet full of Armani suits, I am articulate, and I am blessed with an abundance of gravitas; I can handle the media, no problem. Ms. Buss and Mr. Pelinka, if you wonder who can maximize the team’s short-term championship window but also drive its long-term culture and sustainability, you can stop looking. C’est moi.

I am already making plans about the college players we—note my sly use of the first-person plural even before getting the job—might draft later this month, along with some free agents we should sign.

Assuming you hire me (and why on earth would you not?), I will ask Scott Brooks and Rajon Rondo to be my assistants. Me, Brooks and Rondo will make a fine staff, ensuring that every game at Crypto.com Arena is a sellout and Lakers fans are thrilled with the product we put on the floor. It will be a return to “Showtime” in LA!

Now let’s talk contract. Ham, whom you sliced and diced, was making about $4 million per year. I will settle for no less, although I would prefer more, along with hefty bonuses if we get into the playoffs and the finals, and win the whole shebang. If it does not work out, as with Ham, I want a nice golden parachute. My children’s children’s children must be taken care of.

I realize that Redick played 15 years in the NBA and has a prominent announcing job, and Hurley has won the last two NCAA championships at the University of Connecticut. But they are not as well-prepared as I am. You see, I listen to a continuous loop recording for three hours every day that will help me when the next NBA season starts. The recording says, “Yes, Mr. James” repeatedly. If things get sticky, I will use this three-word mantra. And if ever I need to take a few games off, I have trained the salmon-crested cockatoo I bought while touring Indonesia last year to take my place and say, “Yes, Mr. James.”

Home of the Lakers…

My salmon-crested cockatoo…

Mr. James…