Way back in the early 1990s, I had a GF whose middle name was Jean, so that is what I will call her here. She was an intelligent person, with a master’s degree and a high-paying job at IBM. She also had a trust fund and a comfortable home in northwest Austin. In any event, Jean was not entirely free from neurotic habits. One involved going to expensive weekend seminars for the purpose of self-improvement. They often involved new-agey “encounter sessions” that were meant to spark enlightenment or spiritual breakthroughs of some kind. But whenever Jean returned from one of these seminars, she was even more screwed up than before.
Jean also fancied self-improvement books. The one I remember most clearly was Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray. It was published in 1992 and has sold more than 50 million copies. Now, before going any further, I have to say a word about the title. Men and women, for all our differences, are not from different planets. We come from right here on Earth, and we in fact have a lot in common in terms of biology, and physical and emotional needs. But Gray knew that giving his book an outlandish, hyperbolic title such as this would draw attention. And so it did. Many read it and were convinced that it was packed with wisdom and insight. I did not read it, I would not read it, and I have low regard for those—I'm talking to you, Jeanie girl—who put stock in it.
In Gray’s opinion, the most common cause of relationship problems between men and women is their fundamental psychological differences. Their expectations are different, they respond to stress differently, they have different ways of “keeping score," all of which lead to estrangement and gaps in communication. It does not surprise me that Gray blames men disproportionately for these issues which go back hundreds of generations. Would it be otherwise, his own gender notwithstanding?
(If I did not read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, perhaps you wonder how I can speak of the book at all. I have done research, read numerous reviews and scanned portions of it.)
My biggest gripe about the book is how it relies so heavily on stereotypes: Men are like this, and women are like that. Men are good at math, but women send birthday cards. Men are brusque problem-solvers, whereas women listen wholeheartedly. Men have sex on the brain, women obsess about fashion. I say, oh really? All of them? These and other two-dimensional characterizations are quite easy to refute.
A number of writers and academics have questioned Gray’s premises, showing that men and women are really not so different. For example, Dr. Michael Kimmel, a sociology professor at Stony Brook University, contends that gender differences are mostly a matter of perception, and that men and women want much the same things. Kimmel argues that there is greater variation among men and among women than between the sexes; in other words, there is more intra-gender variation than inter-gender variation.
Drs. Erina MacGeorge of Purdue University and Harry Reis of the University of Rochester have come to essentially the same conclusions, which are based on actual research rather than anecdotes and pop-psychological speculation. Dr. Janet Hyde of the University of Wisconsin has conducted meta-analyses of psychology studies and puts forth a gender-similarities hypothesis. While not pretending that we are exactly equal, she strongly challenges Gray's overinflated claims of gender differences.
Kimmel, MacGeorge, Reis, Hyde and I are in agreement that drawing distinct lines between gender traits is not only wrong but harmful. A female can too easily say, "Of course, he's behaving that way. He's a man!" And a male is excused for saying, "She is acting just like a woman." We are not Martians and Venusians after all, but Earthlings with talents and tendencies that run along an entire spectrum. That is the point I gently stated to Jean who was so enthusiastic about Gray’s book.
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